Thursday, August 31, 2006
Greg Chappell on the JFK assassination
"Please don't put any more pressure on Irfan Pathan. He's only 21. Surely, he couldn't have done it."
Rahul Dravid on the JFK assassination
"Let me execute our plans and get back to your on what our plans are to deal with this complex situation. It requires a thorough analysis of the analysis. Meanwhile, you can ask Greg Chappell, MBE, for his comments. I'll follow suit."
Bloggers on the JFK assassination
"We did it! We did it! Hang on, while we go and check the number of hits on our blogs."
Robert James Geiger on the JFK assassination
"If George Bush can do anything he pleases, why can't I do this?"
Darell Hair on the JFK assassination
"The blogger may have said he did, but give me $500,000 dollars and I won't say anything."
Tony Blair on the JFK assassination
"The blogger may have said he did it, but I'm pretty sure Bush did it...I mean said it."
George Bush on the JFK assassination
"A blogger has confessed he did it, but we're pretty sure it was Osama."
Hershelle Gibbs on lawyers
"Well, if the ICC has lawyers. Umpires have lawyers. Players have lawyers. Bookies have lawyers. Why can't I travel with my lawyer. In fact, I think lawyers should become an integral part of a cricket team's entourage."
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Critics in safety mode on Bob Dylan
"Dylan is Dylan, no matter what tripe he puts out, if it's Dylan, it can't be anything less than Dylan."
Arundhati Roy on writing books
"It is a capitalist conspiracy. Although, not writing books and making money out of rants that are sold as books is most certainly not."
Tony Blair on Naguib Mahfouz
"I do know who he is, but you can be sure I'm not going to read him. Because neither is Bush."
George Bush on Naguib Mahfouz
"I don't know who he is, but you can be sure I've read his books. In fact, I'm going to meet him on my next trip to Libya."
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Dr. Manmohan Singh on whether Dick Cheney runs the White House
"No way! Soniaji runs everything. Even Cheney."
Saturday, August 26, 2006
The BJP on Hair's $500,000 payment demand
"His demand is totally anti-Hindu. He should have asked for the Ram Temple."
Arjun Singh on Hair's $500,000 payment demand
"It's time to introduce reservations and make the Elite Panel of Umpires more egalitarian and broad-based."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Greg Chappell on ball-tampering
"I've got it all down in an email to the BCCI. You can go ahead and leak it."
Bush on ball-tampering
"No matter what the ICC says, we're pretty sure it's weapon of mass destruction."
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Astronomers on Pluto
"Trust us, when we say this. We had nothing more than a plutonic relationship with the guy. It was Pluto that misinterpreted what we were about. As far as we are concerned, we were just fair weather friends."
Pluto on air
"I think I'll have Sartre and Camus write a book on me. They may be dead, but you never know with these existentialists. Besides, I think they'd be quite inspired by my condition."
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Australians in a jingoistically candid mood
"It doesn't matter what Hair did. Like in the case with Darren Lehman, Dean Jones or any other Australian, all that matters is he is Australian. Of course, we wish they weren't Australians. Then, we would blindly attack them. (Instead of blindly defending them.)"
Sourav Ganguly in a cantankerous mood
"How come Hayden just has to ask for his spot back, and he gets it back?"
Marcus Trescothick on his binocularities
"Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't keeping an eye on the Pakistani players. I was just trying to make sure my wife wasn't straying and keeping an eye on a few pretty young things in the stands, just in case she was straying. After all, you know what they say about English cricket marriages."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Cricket teams from India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka to Darrell Hair
"Please stay out of our hair. And there."
Darrell Hair to Steve Bucknor
"You're not the only one who has an attention problem. If you can show players the finger, slowly. I can show teams the door, in a jiffy.""
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Sourav Ganguly in a hopeful mood
"I think Greg Chappell MBE is an outstanding coach. Australia could most certainly do with his services."
Greg Chappell in a greedy mood
"No, I'm not interested in coaching Australia. My entire focus is on coaching India, with an eye on Australia."
The English footballer in defensive mood
"The reason we send the ball forward and attack as soon as we get it is not because we don't want to hold on to it, it's because we're too scared and not skilled enough to hold on to it. Might as well pass the ball. And the buck."
Friday, August 18, 2006
Sandeep Patil on his mid-life crisis to the Mid-Day
"No, I'm not afraid of getting old. I was looking forward to turning 50. It had been on my mind for the past three years. I rarely think about such things."
Duncan Fletcher in a naughty mood
"Sure, Asif bowled well, but cricket is a team game. We had already decided how long we were going to be out there and what the outcome of this test match was going to be."
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Rahul Dravid in a ballsy mood
"It doesn't take balls to stay back and play in Sri Lanka. It takes money."
Cricketers in a candid mood on what they do when they're not playing cricket
"We all go shop-shop-shopping for endorsements, of course!"
Kapil Dev in a 'Dharmendra mood' on John Wright
"Did he ever cry on TV for Indian cricket? Did he ever compare his love for Indian cricket with his mother? Did he ever go through the excrutiating pain of desperately hanging on in the team to break the world record? Who is John Wright? He's just an honest man who wrote a book. Indian cricket has no time for honest men or their honest books. I am never going to read his book."
Clive Lloyd in a mercenary mood over the failed Stanford deal
"As long as everyone gets a share of the spoils from Stanford, nobody will have any differences. The only differences are the differences between how much we're being given and how much we want. It's not about the money. It's the lack of it. The result of all these diferences is we're going in different directions."
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Muttiah Muralitharan taking a leaf out of Budhi Kunderan's response
When asked what he bowled, Murali replied "I'll have to bowl one for you to find out. And even then, you probably won't find out."
India at puberty
"I'm going through a lot of changes. I'm obsessing with what's happening to me. It's best you don't talk to me. I've got my period."
George Bush in an existential vein of unthought
"If Condi Rice can repeatedly quote history she hasn't a clue about, I, too, can quote Albert Camus of whom I haven't a clue about. Now that's what I call an existential statement that has no right to exist. Isn't it? Is it? Oh, never mind, let's just kill a few more Arabs, repeatedly. Surely, you will agree, it's a fine, fine way to abuse and assault people with the stereotype that Mersault isn't my cup of salt."
The British Police in a helplessly informative mood
"In the absence of information, all information seems like disinformation. If we had the information, they wouldn't be suspects. It's because we do not have information that we have suspects. Why, do you have any information?"
The London terror suspects in an uncomfortably confessional mood
"All we were trying to do was bring down some 25-odd papers planes. It's true, we're only paper tigers. I don't know why we're being painted as Al Qaeda members. Somebody asked us to divert people's attention from the war in the Middle East, and so we did. Now, we're being called international criminals. Can we please go back to our government jobs, considering we were only doing a job for the government."
Dr. Manmohan Singh in a brutally honest mood on Independence Day
"This Independence Day speech was brought to you by Italy."
Dr. Manmohan Singh on Independence Day
"Isn't it ironic that one of the most dependent Prime Ministers in the history of independent India has to give an hour-long speech on Independence Day?"
Tony Blair in a perceptive mood
"After all the ass-kissing I've done for George Bush, I'm thinking of asking him to let me be his running mate for the next US elections. I think the British people would like that very much."
Monday, August 14, 2006
George Bush on the War on Terror
"I'll make sure the War on Terror will never be over. you make sure you never stop voting for me."
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Israel and the Hezbollah in a conciliatory mood
"We both wholeheartedly agree with each other that the bloody ceasefire will be an utter failure."
Sania Mirza in a lazy mood
"The top 10 players can humiliate you. Especially, when you're not really interested in working on your game and only looking for your next sponsorship gig."
Ricky Ponting in an unusually honest mood
"I'm going to target Monty Panesar and Shane Warne because both of them are out to get me."
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Indians on the Kashmir problem
"But we are the back-office of the world. But we're a growing IT power. But we have a middle class. But our stockmarket is booming. But we're an economic powerhouse. But we're...eh, did you say Kashmir? But we're an..."
Duncan Fletcher in an unnecessarily effusive mood
"I'm ready to do the full Monty. You want to see?"
Friday, August 11, 2006
David Beckam in an unusually expansive and hopelessly hopeful mood
"I can fully understand that a new manager should want to make his mark on the team and build towards the next World Cup, I'm proud have played for England for 10 years and my passion for representing my country remains as strong as ever. I hope they lose every fucking game from now on. To think I quit in the hope that it would be enough punishment for the pathetic show we put on in Germany. Maybe it's time I contacted Sourav Ganguly. After all, he's been making polite noises about football. Perhaps he could teach me to make a few polite noises about cricket. Or maybe I should contact Duncan Fletcher. What with Andrew Strauss sounding so enthusiastic about fashion, the ECB might consider giving me a job."
Ehud Olmert, Prime Minister of Israel in an instructive mood
"I appeal to the people of Lebanon to not try and catch the falling bombs. They are not meant to be food packets. Please, you have been varned. Let the verld community know the real reason so many civilians are being killed is not Israel's fault but civilian ignorance and greed."
Microsoft in a fucked up mood
"Yes, we invited you hackers to come and fuck with Vista, but that doesn't mean you come and fuck with it. It was just a public relations exercise. And now, thanks to you fuckers, we'll just have to launch the crappy system without telling anyone how crappy it is. Serves you guys right. We try to be nice and you fuck with us. Fine, we'll just go back to being slimy."
The Government of India in a trippy mood
"We're thinking of legalising pot. Intensive research has proved that getting baked is the most eco-friendly way to preserve liquids. Remember, we legalised pot for the Indian Railways? After that experiment with pot, we've decided to do the same for the rest of the country. We're just awaiting approvals from the US Senate."
Anil Ambani in a competitive mood
"I need to quickly make an annoucement. It's the least I can do considering how much Mukesh is really doing."
Corporates in a happy mood
"Let's all embrace the gay people in our culture. Let's just not fuck with them."
US Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke in a playful mood
"It's so much fun playing mind games with the lives of so many people around the world. Such a bunch of fools, waiting for me to make up my mind before deciding which poor sods are going to end up losing their life savings. I think I'll go read the newspaper or something. I'm sure they're trying to guess what I'm going to do next. Hmm, is that a swelling on my neck? Ah no, it's my head."
Condoleezza Rice in a thoughtful mood
"As a student of History, all I can say is I'm allowed to rewrite the Geography of the world."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Osama Bin Laden in a chilled out mood after the London terrorist plot was foiled
"I'm not sure what to say, but I know I have to say something. So what I will say is that this once again proves that the end is near for the imperialist forces. I agree, that is so lame. Lemme just go back to my cave and smoke my pipe. Meanwhile, I urge all you Jehadi fools to kep fighting the good fight, while I chill out doing nothing in particular."
Indian fat bowler, Zaheer Khan on his sterling return to form
"Next, I'm going to take 25 wickets in an innings against some schoolboy team. That should prove to Greg and the team that I'm ready to come back. If Sachin can pulverise a school attack to prove his fitness, why can't I?"
Kiran More on the Ganguly issue
"You should ask the Chairman of the selection committee about that. I'm not the Chairman of the selection committee, I'm only the Chairman."
Sonia Gandhi on Greg Chappell
"Looks like he has taken a leaf out of my book and appointed Rahul Dravid as the Manmohan Singh of Indian cricket. Good job."
The media on Dravid's statements
"How do we come up with something remotely interesting from a man who refuses to come up with anything remotely interesting?"
Sunny Gavaskar on Sachin Tendulkar
"Thank God, Sachin was an unsuccessful Captain. I wish the same for Rahul Dravid. Anyone who comes dangerously close to becoming greater than I must not."
The world on Africa
"Poverty, Tourism and Poverty Tourism are the only stories in Africa. The oil is in our hands. We have a vested interest in keeping Africa underdeveloped. If Africa was allowed to improve its lot, the attraction of Africa would go away. We see no reason in bringing development to Africa. That would just make it a very boring continent and a non-story. Africa is for animals and we want to keep it that way."
Glenn McGrath on his plans after retiring from cricket
"What else? I'm going to write a book about my experiences and I'm going to call it Target Practice."
Mike Vaughan on his chances of returning to cricket field
"I'd give an arm and a leg to be back on the cricket field. Umm, well guess I've got to first get back my knees to even consider doing anything of that sort."
ICICI on their business philosophy
"Hum hai na...to take you for a ride and make you feel like we're always by your side. We are, but only to take you for a ride. Hum hai na...(repeat, religiously, till you believe the spin completely.)"
Sonia Gandhi in a particularly candid mood
"I can't wait for Priyanka to grow up and be PM; she even looks like Indira Gandhi. Until then, we'll keep the seat warm for her with a line of puppets. Once she's ready to be launched, the illiterate people of India won't even notice that they're voting for Priyanka and not Indira Gandhi. We'll just tell them it's Indira Gandhi reborn."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
US Federal Reserve Chairman, Bill Bernanke on US interest rates
"Lemme read what the media has to say and then decide what I should do about interest rates."
Bal Thakeray's reaction to the back-in-the-news '93 Mumbai blasts
"We shall arrest Javed Miandad for marrying his daughter off to Dawood's son."
The Delhi-ite on the news that New Delhi is the 4th cheapest city in the world
"They must mean in it's attitude towards women and human life."
The Common Man on the news that Mumbai is the 2nd cheapest city in the world
"How come nobody asked me?"
The Common man from Mumbai on the news that Mumbai is the 2nd cheapest city in the world
"Hmm, how do I make money out of this piece of news?"
Syed Ahmed Bukhari, Imam, Jama Masjid on the state of affairs
"Just in case you've forgotten me, like everyone else seems to have, it's time I did something to get back into the news. I don't matter anymore, so the best thing to do for people like me who once took advantage of parochial issues, but no longer matter in the scheming of things is to launch a political party. Here's hoping the people of UP don't see through me and realise how I'm trying to exploit them, once again."
Imran Khan on, who else, but himself
"Everything should be changed about Pakistani cricket and done the way I want it to be done. When I was Dictator of Pakistan cricket, cricket in Pakistan was at its peak. History has shown that a Dictatorship is the only thing that works in anything in Pakistan. Which probably explains why I am nothing more than a one-man party, let alone the manager of the Pakistani cricket team."
George Bush on the Middle East crisis
"What crisis? The current crisis is the solution. If you don't keep the pot simmering, the price of oil will fall. And if the price of oil falls, how will American companies make the kind of money they are making from the drilling contracts? See, I ain't as dumb as I seem. In fact, it's you people who are dumb for thinking I am dumb. If I were dumb would the world's most powerful democracy not be able to do something about it?"
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Sourav's Ganguly on his daughter's lack of interest in cricket
"She's just a baccha. Let her grow up, I will make her a Dada." (It must be noted here that Sourav was in no way taking a swipe at Jaggu 'Dada' Dalmiya's comment that "Sourav was just a baccha.")
Amar Singh and his gang on the Natwar Singh controversy
"Ab humaari baari. The Congress party has sold India to the USA. Now we will buy Natwar Singh for ourselves."
K. V. Kamath on his prediction that the India boom will go on for 25 years
"Boley toh, bolne mein kya jaata hai? Bolne ke liye toh paisa nahi lagta hai, na. Log paisa dalenge and I will be laughing all the way in my bank."
Natwar Singh on Manmohan Singh
"Just because you were nominated instead of me to become the nominated Prime Minister of India doesn't mean you should act too smart. Don't act too smart. I tried it, once too often, and look where I ended up?"
P. C. Chidambaram on Nalini Chidambaram
"Stay invested, but for God's sake stay out of my fast-receding hairline and the news."
Dona Ganguly on her plans for Sourav
"Now that Sourav's out of the running, I'm going to try and do a Clinton and run for the Presidency of the BCCI. After all, the BCCI, first, and the ICC, next, could do with a female President. After all, if cricket has to spread in the USA, we're going to need someone who can talk with Hilary. Am I getting politics and cricket confused? I don't think so. Just ask Sharad Power."
The cricket establishment
"There is no match-fixing in world cricket. Only micro fixing, fancy fixing and match management. Absolutely no match fixing."
Monday, August 07, 2006
The anti-reservationists on reservations
"We just want to maintain the status quo. We just want the privileged class to continue to hog the limelight and the privileges. Just because we have power doesn't mean we won't share it, but only with people who are like us."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Lara on Lara
"Lara apologises for having apologised for not apologising. The only apology in this fucked up world of West Indian cricket is West Indian fucking cricket. I repeat, I apologise for having bad mouthed the fucking fogies of the Board. There, now does all this make Lara a bigger man than that cud-chewing narcissist Sir Isaac Vivian Alexander Fucking Richards? Good show. Lara apologises for nothing."
Sourav in 2001 on Jagmohan Dalmiya
"Can I come back to you? Nobody loves me. After all, didn't you once call me your Baccha? Or was it just Baccha..."
Greg Chappell in 2001 on Sourav Ganguly
"Dammit, he's 40 and he still hasn't learnt. Why won't he just go away and not keep trying to get back into my Indian team?"
Greg Chappell in 2011 on Irfan Pathan-or-is-it-Khan
"He's only 26, and he's still learning. Or is he 28? Oh, never mind. Those of you who keep asking inconvenient questions may please fuck off. And to those of you who won't, here's my injured finger. Btw, Mr. More, where's my contract? Here's yours."
Yuvraj on Shamita Shetty's finger
"Honestly, really, between the 50 of us, the truth is out there and I'm not afraid to say it. It wasn't Shamita who gave Kim the finger. And it certainly wasn't Kim's fault. It was actually Greg who showed us all the finger. Arre, his injured finger. I haven't the foggiest idea why Kim and everyone elese is getting their knickers into a twist over it. Thank you and please keep on batting with a straight bat. So what if not one of us is or ever will."
Glenn McGrath on his next target is Stuart Clark
"Everyone is touting him as the next McGrath. My objective is to take him out and get myself back into the team."
Jagmohan Dalmiya on Sourav Ganguly
"He's the Baccha, I'm the Dada. You'll see. I knew I should have promoted his Big Brother."
John Wright reacting to the reaction to his book
"Imagine if I had written the book I really wanted to write."
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