Friday, September 29, 2006
"It's time to take up arms and teach these Muslims a lesson. As a non-violent religion, it's our duty to teach these violent people a good lesson on non-violence."
"We shall launch a violent jehad against anyone who calls our religion violent."
"I shall be releasing a video, DVD and webcast soon to explain my stance on my death."
Friday, September 22, 2006
"I made sure I had nobody to disturb me. Except journalists and anyone else looking for a good story on my lonely quest to get fiter and stronger for the Ashes."
"It's a done deal."
"He was a good man. This is not to say the new man is not a good man. This is not to say the new man is a better man than More. This is not to say the new man is not a better man than More. This is not to say More is not better than the new man. All this to say we've been practicing a few things and it's all part of the process. Right Greg?"
"Ab mori bari."
"As long as I'm in good form I harbour hopes of making it back into the Indian team. So please don't repeat the question. I will say no more."
Thursday, September 21, 2006
"Thunder thighs are forecast for the next few days."
"Since I don't know my History nor my Geography, all I can say is that the Bangladeshi Prime Minister is a stranger to me. It seems absurd that I should be asked to comment on a meeting between my Finance Minister and the Prime Minister of the Capital of Bengal. Back to my books."
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
Thursday, August 31, 2006
"It never happened. nobody was killed. Ever."
"Let me execute our plans and get back to your on what our plans are to deal with this complex situation. It requires a thorough analysis of the analysis. Meanwhile, you can ask Greg Chappell, MBE, for his comments. I'll follow suit."
"Well, if the ICC has lawyers. Umpires have lawyers. Players have lawyers. Bookies have lawyers. Why can't I travel with my lawyer. In fact, I think lawyers should become an integral part of a cricket team's entourage."
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
"No way! Soniaji runs everything. Even Cheney."
"I don't know. Ask President Cheney."
Saturday, August 26, 2006
"We're speechless. And toothless."
"I've lost my voice."
"I say, chuck him out."
"Don't stay invested."
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
"It doesn't matter what Hair did. Like in the case with Darren Lehman, Dean Jones or any other Australian, all that matters is he is Australian. Of course, we wish they weren't Australians. Then, we would blindly attack them. (Instead of blindly defending them.)"
"Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't keeping an eye on the Pakistani players. I was just trying to make sure my wife wasn't straying and keeping an eye on a few pretty young things in the stands, just in case she was straying. After all, you know what they say about English cricket marriages."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
"Please stay out of our hair. And there."
Saturday, August 19, 2006
"Because it's just like 9/11"
"The reason we send the ball forward and attack as soon as we get it is not because we don't want to hold on to it, it's because we're too scared and not skilled enough to hold on to it. Might as well pass the ball. And the buck."
Friday, August 18, 2006
"No, I'm not afraid of getting old. I was looking forward to turning 50. It had been on my mind for the past three years. I rarely think about such things."
Thursday, August 17, 2006
"We all go shop-shop-shopping for endorsements, of course!"
"Did he ever cry on TV for Indian cricket? Did he ever compare his love for Indian cricket with his mother? Did he ever go through the excrutiating pain of desperately hanging on in the team to break the world record? Who is John Wright? He's just an honest man who wrote a book. Indian cricket has no time for honest men or their honest books. I am never going to read his book."
"As long as everyone gets a share of the spoils from Stanford, nobody will have any differences. The only differences are the differences between how much we're being given and how much we want. It's not about the money. It's the lack of it. The result of all these diferences is we're going in different directions."
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
When asked what he bowled, Murali replied "I'll have to bowl one for you to find out. And even then, you probably won't find out."
"If Condi Rice can repeatedly quote history she hasn't a clue about, I, too, can quote Albert Camus of whom I haven't a clue about. Now that's what I call an existential statement that has no right to exist. Isn't it? Is it? Oh, never mind, let's just kill a few more Arabs, repeatedly. Surely, you will agree, it's a fine, fine way to abuse and assault people with the stereotype that Mersault isn't my cup of salt."
"In the absence of information, all information seems like disinformation. If we had the information, they wouldn't be suspects. It's because we do not have information that we have suspects. Why, do you have any information?"
"All we were trying to do was bring down some 25-odd papers planes. It's true, we're only paper tigers. I don't know why we're being painted as Al Qaeda members. Somebody asked us to divert people's attention from the war in the Middle East, and so we did. Now, we're being called international criminals. Can we please go back to our government jobs, considering we were only doing a job for the government."
"This Independence Day speech was brought to you by Italy."
Monday, August 14, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
"But we are the back-office of the world. But we're a growing IT power. But we have a middle class. But our stockmarket is booming. But we're an economic powerhouse. But we're...eh, did you say Kashmir? But we're an..."
Friday, August 11, 2006
"I can fully understand that a new manager should want to make his mark on the team and build towards the next World Cup, I'm proud have played for England for 10 years and my passion for representing my country remains as strong as ever. I hope they lose every fucking game from now on. To think I quit in the hope that it would be enough punishment for the pathetic show we put on in Germany. Maybe it's time I contacted Sourav Ganguly. After all, he's been making polite noises about football. Perhaps he could teach me to make a few polite noises about cricket. Or maybe I should contact Duncan Fletcher. What with Andrew Strauss sounding so enthusiastic about fashion, the ECB might consider giving me a job."
"I appeal to the people of Lebanon to not try and catch the falling bombs. They are not meant to be food packets. Please, you have been varned. Let the verld community know the real reason so many civilians are being killed is not Israel's fault but civilian ignorance and greed."
"Yes, we invited you hackers to come and fuck with Vista, but that doesn't mean you come and fuck with it. It was just a public relations exercise. And now, thanks to you fuckers, we'll just have to launch the crappy system without telling anyone how crappy it is. Serves you guys right. We try to be nice and you fuck with us. Fine, we'll just go back to being slimy."
"We're thinking of legalising pot. Intensive research has proved that getting baked is the most eco-friendly way to preserve liquids. Remember, we legalised pot for the Indian Railways? After that experiment with pot, we've decided to do the same for the rest of the country. We're just awaiting approvals from the US Senate."
"It's so much fun playing mind games with the lives of so many people around the world. Such a bunch of fools, waiting for me to make up my mind before deciding which poor sods are going to end up losing their life savings. I think I'll go read the newspaper or something. I'm sure they're trying to guess what I'm going to do next. Hmm, is that a swelling on my neck? Ah no, it's my head."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
"I'm not sure what to say, but I know I have to say something. So what I will say is that this once again proves that the end is near for the imperialist forces. I agree, that is so lame. Lemme just go back to my cave and smoke my pipe. Meanwhile, I urge all you Jehadi fools to kep fighting the good fight, while I chill out doing nothing in particular."
"Next, I'm going to take 25 wickets in an innings against some schoolboy team. That should prove to Greg and the team that I'm ready to come back. If Sachin can pulverise a school attack to prove his fitness, why can't I?"
"Poverty, Tourism and Poverty Tourism are the only stories in Africa. The oil is in our hands. We have a vested interest in keeping Africa underdeveloped. If Africa was allowed to improve its lot, the attraction of Africa would go away. We see no reason in bringing development to Africa. That would just make it a very boring continent and a non-story. Africa is for animals and we want to keep it that way."
"What else? I'm going to write a book about my experiences and I'm going to call it Target Practice."
"I'd give an arm and a leg to be back on the cricket field. Umm, well guess I've got to first get back my knees to even consider doing anything of that sort."
"I can't wait for Priyanka to grow up and be PM; she even looks like Indira Gandhi. Until then, we'll keep the seat warm for her with a line of puppets. Once she's ready to be launched, the illiterate people of India won't even notice that they're voting for Priyanka and not Indira Gandhi. We'll just tell them it's Indira Gandhi reborn."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
"Lemme read what the media has to say and then decide what I should do about interest rates."
"We shall arrest Javed Miandad for marrying his daughter off to Dawood's son."
"They must mean in it's attitude towards women and human life."
"How come nobody asked me?"
"Hmm, how do I make money out of this piece of news?"
"Just in case you've forgotten me, like everyone else seems to have, it's time I did something to get back into the news. I don't matter anymore, so the best thing to do for people like me who once took advantage of parochial issues, but no longer matter in the scheming of things is to launch a political party. Here's hoping the people of UP don't see through me and realise how I'm trying to exploit them, once again."
"Everything should be changed about Pakistani cricket and done the way I want it to be done. When I was Dictator of Pakistan cricket, cricket in Pakistan was at its peak. History has shown that a Dictatorship is the only thing that works in anything in Pakistan. Which probably explains why I am nothing more than a one-man party, let alone the manager of the Pakistani cricket team."
"What crisis? The current crisis is the solution. If you don't keep the pot simmering, the price of oil will fall. And if the price of oil falls, how will American companies make the kind of money they are making from the drilling contracts? See, I ain't as dumb as I seem. In fact, it's you people who are dumb for thinking I am dumb. If I were dumb would the world's most powerful democracy not be able to do something about it?"
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
"She's just a baccha. Let her grow up, I will make her a Dada." (It must be noted here that Sourav was in no way taking a swipe at Jaggu 'Dada' Dalmiya's comment that "Sourav was just a baccha.")
"Ab humaari baari. The Congress party has sold India to the USA. Now we will buy Natwar Singh for ourselves."
"Boley toh, bolne mein kya jaata hai? Bolne ke liye toh paisa nahi lagta hai, na. Log paisa dalenge and I will be laughing all the way in my bank."
"Now that Sourav's out of the running, I'm going to try and do a Clinton and run for the Presidency of the BCCI. After all, the BCCI, first, and the ICC, next, could do with a female President. After all, if cricket has to spread in the USA, we're going to need someone who can talk with Hilary. Am I getting politics and cricket confused? I don't think so. Just ask Sharad Power."
Monday, August 07, 2006
"We just want to maintain the status quo. We just want the privileged class to continue to hog the limelight and the privileges. Just because we have power doesn't mean we won't share it, but only with people who are like us."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
"Lara apologises for having apologised for not apologising. The only apology in this fucked up world of West Indian cricket is West Indian fucking cricket. I repeat, I apologise for having bad mouthed the fucking fogies of the Board. There, now does all this make Lara a bigger man than that cud-chewing narcissist Sir Isaac Vivian Alexander Fucking Richards? Good show. Lara apologises for nothing."
"He's only 26, and he's still learning. Or is he 28? Oh, never mind. Those of you who keep asking inconvenient questions may please fuck off. And to those of you who won't, here's my injured finger. Btw, Mr. More, where's my contract? Here's yours."
"Honestly, really, between the 50 of us, the truth is out there and I'm not afraid to say it. It wasn't Shamita who gave Kim the finger. And it certainly wasn't Kim's fault. It was actually Greg who showed us all the finger. Arre, his injured finger. I haven't the foggiest idea why Kim and everyone elese is getting their knickers into a twist over it. Thank you and please keep on batting with a straight bat. So what if not one of us is or ever will."
Friday, February 24, 2006
"The team cannot have two strong characters. Correction, the team cannot have three strong characters. It's hard enough handling Greg. Handling Greg and Sourav would be too much to expect from any Captain. Ganguly's time has come and gone. Now, it's my time. Sorry Sourav, you're too strong, too passionate, too influential and too big a man to have in my team. This is my team and I'd like to do it my way. When you were in charge, I was gentlemanly enough let you do it your way. Unfortunately, now that I am in charge, you're not the kind of guy whjo'll let me do it my way. You're just a crazy motherfucker who doesn't know how to control your passion. It's why there is no place for you in my team. Sadly. Right Greg?"
Friday, February 17, 2006
"I can't think of one decent, newsworthy, interesting thing to say so I'll state the obvious and say that we're here to do well. Umm...where's everybody?"